Kansan plans to turn hay into fuel

March 31, 2008 – 8:25 am

By Lars Gnugnu, staff reporter

A Topeka, Kansas physician today announced a plan to begin manufacturing “fuel bricks” from compressed hay. Dr. Bill Schaetzel plans to purchase equipment that will turn hay or straw into bricks. The bricks will then be sold for use in wood-burning stoves and fireplaces.

This is the latest development in the conversion of food plants and other farm resources into biofuel. The trend has supporters who claim it will reduce our dependence on oil and opponents who say it is increasing the cost of food.

To help you decide we offer the following tale.

Once upon a time there were three little pigs who left home to make their way in the world. All three built fine sturdy houses in which to live and planted fields of corn to feed themselves.

One day the big, bad wolf went to the home of the first pig. He pounded on the door and said,

“Little pig, little pig, give me to eat.
If I don’t get some ham, I’ll pickle your feet.”

The little pig was so frightened that he did nothing. So the wolf opened the door, came in, and made off with him. For two weeks he dined on bacon, ham, and pickled pig’s feet.

At the end of the two weeks, the wolf went to the home of the second pig. He pounded on the door and said,

“Little pig, little pig, give me to eat.
If I don’t get some ham, I’ll pickle your feet.”

The little pig thought for a moment and then said, “I’m sorry I don’t have anything for you just now, but if you will come back tomorrow I will set out a feast for you.” The wolf went away licking his lips in anticipation of a fine meal.

The little pig got busy and converted all his corn into ethanol. He filled the tank of his SUV and hitched a trailer tank of the fuel behind it. He drove as far from home as he could get. When he finally ran out of fuel, he discovered he had nothing to eat and starved to death.

When the wolf arrived the next day, he found the field harvested and the house empty.

So he went to the home of the third pig. He pounded on the door and said,

“Little pig, little pig, give me to eat.
If I don’t get some ham, I’ll pickle your feet.”

The little pig thought for a moment and then said, “I’m sorry I don’t have anything for you just now, but if you will come back tomorrow I will set out a feast for you. The stupid wolf went away licking his lips in anticipation of a fine meal.

The next day the wolf showed up at the home of the little pig and was surprised to find that the pig had harvested just enough corn to make a meal for the two of them. The pig ate cornbread with butter and honey and the wolf dined on a delicious vegetarian ham. The wolf proposed bringing succulent roots to the next meal if the pig would make corn fritters in the shape of pig’s feet. The pig agreed and the two lived happily ever after.

Moral: If we’re going to keep on being pigs, we had better wise up.

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Obama advises Hillary to blow her nose.

February 24, 2008 – 12:26 pm

By James Noonoo, publisher

When Barack Obama spoke to a crowd in Dallas on Wednesday, he paused in mid-speech to blow his nose. The crowd cheered enthusiastically.

Hillary Clinton has been unable to attract crowds of similar size and has scored points only by getting teary-eyed on camera and by cozying up to Obama in their latest debate.

The shift of position in the horse race has not been lost on Barack. “If I can get cheers just by blowing my nose, maybe Hillary is putting too much emphasis on my supposed eloquence,” said the Illinois senator.

“She should take a lesson from this. In the middle of her next speech, I want to see her pull out a lady-sized hanky and give it a good honk or two.”

Clinton advisers commented that she would not be blowing or picking her nose in public any time soon. “Our strategy is to keep hitting Barack with the charge of being all hat and no cattle, and of using other people’s words in his speech.”

Obama countered by saying, “She could make it look real natural. Start out talking about how honored she is to be opposing me. Segue into how she has had to deal with the stress of campaigning. At this point the faucets should start to leak a little. That’s OK. Let them. That way, pulling out the hanky will look genuine and expected. Dab the eyes a little, keep talking, then pause to rip off a quick blast. A few flutters of the eyelashes as she pockets the hanky will finish it off with just the right touch. If that doesn’t bring down the house, then she is in more trouble than she thinks. No matter what the audience reaction, she’ll have to admit I was first to toot the old bugle in public.”

In other news, Senator John McCain has denied having an inappropriate relationship with lobbyist Vicki Iseman. “I really didn’t have time for that stuff. I was busy taking on the special interests.”

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In State of Union, Bush to apologize

January 28, 2008 – 2:05 pm

By Charles NouNou, Editor

President Bush will use the last major speech of his second term to apologize for the mess he created during the last seven years.

“The president wants to balance the books on his two administrations. He thinks this will do the job,” said Dana Perino, his press secretary.

Regarding the economy, our advance copy of the speech had this to say. “Well, what are you gonna do? We cut taxes for the rich and what did they do? Spent it on recruiting in India. Who woulda guessed? Anyway, I guess I’m sorry.”

He even has something to say about the flimsy and untruthful excuses he offered for the Iraq war. “So you got me. Big deal. At least the reasons I gave got me elected to a second term. When did you ever pull off anything that big?”

During the speech, the president will introduce a group of quadriplegic veterans of Iraq. He plans to apologize to each one and tell how he was wounded. In what he thinks will offset the gruesome display, he will jokingly challenge them to give him a salute.

As for the loss of civil rights by ordinary citizens, he will say, “I’m sorry, but it’s for your own good. I know I went kinda far, but then being watched and having your messages spied on isn’t so bad. That’s what we mean by ‘an open society.’”

And to those who have lost their jobs and had their mortgages foreclosed, he plans to deny all responsibility. “That was just rotten luck. That and a few bad apples in the business community. Instead of whining, I recommend you get a job and rebuild your credit. That’s what I did.”

Finally, he will apologize for stealing the election in the first place.

At this point, the editor of this journal woke up with a pain in his ankle. It seems his cat was sleeping on his feet.

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How Bill helped Hillary: a fairy tale

January 22, 2008 – 2:48 pm

By James Noonoo, publisher

There once was a former president who suffered from marital problems. He had been caught with his pants down so many times that he created a new clothing style, the half-off, half-on look beloved of hip hoppers.

Only when the bright lights of publicity exposed his tendency to misbehave did he confess. Even then his attempt at first to deny what everyone knew got him into so much trouble that he finally admitted his fault and promised to do better. For his penance, he had not only to keep the wife whose charms he found inadequate, but also to promote her effort to become the mother of her and his country.

This was a bitter pill, but one he swallowed in time, for he had observed how forgiving his country had been to others who had shown repentance for their transgressions. He had studied closely the tears of Jimmy Swaggart, the mock sorrow of Newt Gingrich, and the wax statue of Marion Barry and concluded that America was a forgiving country, one that would take him, a fallen sinner, to her bosom if he showed the slightest effort to redeem himself.

So he did. Indeed he made more than the slightest effort, traveling around the world bringing solace to victims of Mother Nature’s rage, hope to HIV sufferers, and a message of justice for the poor and less sugar for those addicted to soft drinks.

He followed the injunction of St. Paul by becoming all things to all men.

To African Americans he became “the first African-American president.” To the Irish he was Billy Boy. And to lovers of music he was known simply as the Man with the Sax.

On the campaign trail he became the First Advocate, the voice of Hillary’s dark side, ready to smite the opposition with accusations of double talk and deception, of inexperience and insincerity.

One day he visited the land of the Potawatomi Indians. Their business ventures had made them prosperous, so he could not offer them economic relief.

Their health care system was a model for other tribes, so he could not offer to heal them.

Their scholarships were increasing their education, so he could not help them there.

Finally he said, “I don’t want to demean you as a group with talk about Indian Time, but I can help you get some fine Rolex watches to improve your reputation. Think about it. You’ll look great and never be late. And because you’ll always be on time, you’ll be more relaxed. No more embarrassment. No more accusations. No more anger. We have a saying: ‘A watched Pot never boils.’”

But the chief showed Bill his Rolex and said, “We have a saying, too. ‘You can tell which way the wind is blowing by watching the smoke.’”

Moral: If the horse is already dead, more hay will not help it.

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Kanzaz to take on gangsta rap

January 14, 2008 – 1:05 pm

By Charles Nounou, editor

Fearing that gangsta rap will turn local Wizard of Oz fans into Kool G Rap fanz and divert them from looking somewhere over the rainbow to looking somewhere behind the toilet tank, a Kanzaz legislator haz introduced a rezolution to condemn the popular muzic form.

Enough z talk. With a state minimum wage of $2.65 per hour and a battle over the building of a coal-fired power plant near Holcomb (where the crime described in In Cold Blood occurred) to serve Colorado and pollute the sunflower state, the lawmakers will instead take on that more urgent issue, the American culture and how to keep it the hell out of Kansas.

You will recall that Kansas is the state that has already condemned the teaching of evolution while it promotes the image of Kansas as Oz. The point is to keep knowledge that doesn’t belong in Kansas out.

So far it has worked. When a Kansan says “damn,” she will always use it in a sentence such as, “We went to visit the Boulder Damn near Las Vegas.” But since references to such foreign places would still be lost on many a Kansan, even if made more correct by substituting “Hoover Damn,” he is more likely to say, “I went fishing on the Kansas River Damn.”

When a Kansan says, “bitch,” he will invariably be referring to a dog and a hunting dog at that. Thus he will be confused and upset when someone at a political rally asks John McCain about Hillary Clinton, “How can we beat the bitch?”

When he says “ho,” he is either referring to Santa Claus or his garden, depending on the season.

The bill sponsor is Rep. Peggy Mast of Emporia. She opposes rap because she says it “demeans women and promotes violence.” “It’s just that we can send a message that this is not something that Kansas approves of or welcomes,” she said. Her exhaustive knowledge of rap comes from a Topeka activist who actually claims to be a fan of 50 Cent. How her position on rap equates to that of “Kansas” wasn’t clear, but it is possible that “Kansas” is a Topeka group dedicated to the perpetuation of barn dancing and Lawrence Welk reruns.

It is also unclear why Rep. Mast left out homophobia,  promiscuity, pimpin’ and hustlin’, drug use, racism, and materialism as features of gangsta rap.

She also failed to mention how it describes the life of Topeka’s inner city and what the First Amendment might have to say about the whole matter.

As Topeka’s sole rapper, Son Flower, asked, “Didn’t Tipper Gore already do this?”

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Kerry endorses Obama: Obama weeps

January 10, 2008 – 2:37 pm

By James Noonoo, publisher

2004 Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry announced his endorsement of Senator Barack Obama today. When he heard about it, Senator Obama asked, “What did I ever do to him?”

Still reeling from his unexpected defeat at the hands of Senator Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire primary, Obama said, “This is very personal for me — it’s not just political, it’s not just public. I see what’s happening.”

“Oh, come on, Barack,” said Kerry. “This can’t hurt. After all, I was the candidate chosen by the Democratic Party four years ago. My word should go a long way to help you get the nomination.”

“Oh, sure,” said Obama. “I may get the nomination. But just wait. I can see it now. Somewhere in the bowels of Texas, Swift Boat Veterans are lighting up the phone lines, laying plans for after the convention. They’ll put out the word: ‘Obama following Kerry’s Vietnam example on Iraq.’ The important thing is, you lost the election to the worst president we’ve had in anyone’s memory. Do I need to be endorsed by a loser?”

“Think, Barack, I was the one who got you into this race. I invited you to make that keynote address at the convention and that was what put you on the map. Would I be endorsing you today if I thought I would be harming your candidacy?”

“You must have had doubts. Why didn’t you endorse me before New Hampshire?”

“My doubts only related to the timing. You saw what happened when Al Gore endorsed John Dean too early.”

“Too early—too late, it wouldn’t have made any difference. It was Gore himself, too close to his own defeat and only able to give a kiss of death.”

In other news, Karl Rove is rumored to have asked President Bush to endorse Obama or whoever wins the Democratic nomination and to do so just days before the election.

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China ranks U.S. “subprime” borrower

January 7, 2008 – 5:25 pm

By Hu Knewknew, Far East reporter

The government of China has changed the U.S. credit rating from “prime” to “subprime”

Finance Minister Lin Mi Sum explained the change.

“The dollar is in the toilet, America’s savings rate is negative, they’re burning expensive oil as if it were yard waste, they’re shelling out billions each month for two wars they can’t afford, and more of their people are working at low paying jobs than ours are. To make matters worse they’ve shaken up the financial world with a mortgage-loan fiasco.”

President Bush was angered by the announcement. He said, “This is ridiculous. They sell us subprime toys and hazardous garments and they call us ‘subprime.’ I’ve instructed the White House chef to change the official menu. Take off ‘Peking Duck’ and replace it with ‘Puking Duck.’ That’ll teach ‘em.”

China retaliated by calling McDonald’s hamburgers “subprime beef.”

This volley produced a response from McDonald’s. “The Chinese diet is subprime. A Happy Meal with a Coke is too good for them. But we need the money.”

The war of words did not end before the head of China’s electric bureau, Zap Ping, referred to Mr. Bush as a “subprime president” and Britney Spears as “a subprime mother.”

At that point, Mike Huckabee intervened. He tap-danced across the floor, strummed his electric bass, and yelled, “Hold it! This reminds me of television with writers on strike. In Arkansas we call the evening TV shows ‘subprime time.’”

Moral: Don’t make up new words carelessly. Other people will always change their meaning.

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“Emeril Live” canceled: Ronald McDonald waiting in the wings

December 18, 2007 – 12:12 pm

By Charles Nounou, editor

In order to shore up its flagging ratings, The Food Network is canceling “Emeril Live” and replacing it with a new show, “Rachael Ray meets Ronald McDonald”

The new show will also replace some of the episodes of “30 Minute Meals” with a new format: six showings a day of “5 Minute Meals” featuring a “humor-filled drive to the nearest McDonald’s with Rachael and Ronald trading jokes.

Audiences will be treated to visual clowning such as Ronald getting his oversized shoe caught as he tries to get into the car, Ronald getting his oversized shoe caught as he tries to get out of the car, and Rachael mugging at Ronald’s madcap antics.

The jazz musicians who appeared with Emeril Lagasse will not be seen or heard on the new show. Instead, Ronald will blow a slide whistle at the beginning, end, and on commercial breaks.

Asked if he thought he could fill Emeril’s shoes, Ronald said, “Bam, I can’t even fill my own shoes! But then who can?”

Joey Spatz, speaking for the Food Network, said, “We found out that a lot of our viewers were watching Emeril cook, getting hungry, and then going out for a burger because they couldn’t take the time to buy the ingredients and cook for themselves. So let’s cut to the chase and just show the burgers they’re going to eat anyway.”

Asked what he thought of the development, Alton Brown of “Good Eats” said he could not comment because of his contract with the Food Network, but made a gesture with his index finger down his throat.

Paula Deen, who hosts Paula’s Home Cooking, also would not comment. She was eating a fried chicken leg at the time and would only make “yummy” noises while we spoke to her.

Asked how the show would match the variety of food Emeril prepares and his culinary standards, Rachael Ray said, “What’s that?” Ronald just grinned and said, “Happy Meal, Happy Meal.”

Posted in Business, Media, Entertainment | Comments (7)

Lawyers to use “enhanced interrogation” in Texas trials

December 13, 2007 – 11:29 am

By Shy “Stir” Noonoo, legal correspondent

A new proposal by the Texas Bar Association is expected to increase the rate of convictions in criminal trials there. Prosecution lawyers will be allowed heretofore-prohibited techniques while examining “hostile” witnesses. The proposal defines “hostile witness” as one not giving the desired answers to prosecution questions under oath.

Among the techniques to be allowed: leaning over the witness stand while chewing garlic. This simple action tends to cause witnesses to hold their breath, turn red in the face, and avoid looking directly at the attorney, making them look like they have something to hide.

Another technique: prefacing questions with “Supposing you were to tell the truth here, would you say …?”

Another: board watering (not to be confused with water boarding.) In board watering, the witness takes the stand after a cup of water has been poured onto the seat of the chair. The anxiety about standing up in public with wet pants tends to keep the answers longer and more “helpful” as the witness stalls, hoping his pants will dry. Usually they don’t.

Good prosecutor/bad prosecutor. While one state’s attorney bounces off the walls, shouting and threatening the witness, another tells the witness that he knows the witness wants to help and that the sooner he helps, the sooner this will all be over.

Asked if these techniques wouldn’t amount to torture and violate the constitutional and legal rights of witnesses, Vice-president Cheney saw no problem with them. In a radio interview, Cheney agreed that subjecting witnesses to “a dunk in water” is a “no-brainer” if it could get answers. He said that such interrogations have been a “very important tool” used against high-level al Qaeda detainees such as Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, and that they do not, in his view, constitute torture.

Well, there you are. Techniques the police have been using for years are finally to be seen in a public trial. Why not? The law rests on precedent and what has more precedent than enhanced interrogation. I saw those old James Cagney movies.

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Romney to seek atheist vote

December 7, 2007 – 5:05 pm

By Rev. No no Noonoo, religion editor

After assuring a group of carefully selected Southern Baptist leaders that he believes Jesus Christ is the son of God, that he is as much a Christian as Mike Huckabee, and that the founders intended America to be a Christian nation, Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney assured them his administration, unlike the current one, would be independent of religious influence.

We had to think long and hard to imagine the speech he will make to attract the votes of America’s atheists. This is what we came up with.

My fellow Americans, although all of you are going to hell, it is likely that before you do you will vote in the upcoming election. Just why you are allowed to vote is an accident of history I cannot explain.

Nor should I have to. After all, my religion is not something I should have to defend publicly. In fact I should not have to talk about it at all if I don’t want to. But you understand as I do that there are persons in this country, people of good conscience, imbued by motives I may or may not share, who insist that all the candidates state their position on religious faith.

I have stated mine. Now I turn to you because, having made it clear how far I am willing to go to reassure people of faith that I am a worthy candidate, it occurs to me that there may be a few wayward souls who could have felt slighted at the tone and content of my latest speech.

Do not be concerned. I want to assure you that my reputation for evenhandedness is well deserved. Just as I took pains to tell one sectarian group that they need not fear my church influencing my decisions in office, I want to tell you why you should not either.

Your choice to reject what is clearly the intended faith of this nation and to become a voluntary member of a minority is a right given you by the constitution. As your president, I will defend that right. Furthermore, you should know that I will never concern myself with your private exercise of that right as long as it remains private and does not interfere with my obligation to advance the Christian mission of this country.

I am a Christian and a family man. A man who does not spend time with his family is not a man.

But with that said, I pledge—on the souls of my grandchildren–that I will not be the one to break the peace we have made today.

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