The New News Gazette and Times Clarion

By James Noonoo, publisher

2004 Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry announced his endorsement of Senator Barack Obama today. When he heard about it, Senator Obama asked, “What did I ever do to him?”

Still reeling from his unexpected defeat at the hands of Senator Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire primary, Obama said, “This is very personal for me — it’s not just political, it’s not just public. I see what’s happening.”

“Oh, come on, Barack,” said Kerry. “This can’t hurt. After all, I was the candidate chosen by the Democratic Party four years ago. My word should go a long way to help you get the nomination.”

“Oh, sure,” said Obama. “I may get the nomination. But just wait. I can see it now. Somewhere in the bowels of Texas, Swift Boat Veterans are lighting up the phone lines, laying plans for after the convention. They’ll put out the word: ‘Obama following Kerry’s Vietnam example on Iraq.’ The important thing is, you lost the election to the worst president we’ve had in anyone’s memory. Do I need to be endorsed by a loser?”

“Think, Barack, I was the one who got you into this race. I invited you to make that keynote address at the convention and that was what put you on the map. Would I be endorsing you today if I thought I would be harming your candidacy?”

“You must have had doubts. Why didn’t you endorse me before New Hampshire?”

“My doubts only related to the timing. You saw what happened when Al Gore endorsed John Dean too early.”

“Too early—too late, it wouldn’t have made any difference. It was Gore himself, too close to his own defeat and only able to give a kiss of death.”

In other news, Karl Rove is rumored to have asked President Bush to endorse Obama or whoever wins the Democratic nomination and to do so just days before the election.