O Halloween, Halloween, fabulous night
You give me the willies; you make me up-tight.
You send me out purchasing bushels of candy
And popcorn and peanuts and other things handy
To munch on and pick at to keep myself steady
While waiting ’til all of the goblins are ready
To bang on my door and demand satisfaction
In lieu of some scandalous, vandalous action.
They come in all sizes; they come in great number
With hoods made of bed sheets and legs made of lumber
And faces distorted with grease-paint and powder.
The yelling gets shriller; the door bell gets louder.
I shovel out handfuls to Martha and Moses
And stare at the kid in the mask with two noses.
My stomach is turning; my head starts to spinning.
The monsters are growling; the witches are grinning.
The faster they gather the faster I hurry.
The sooner they clear out the sooner I worry:
Oh God, what to do if we run out too early?
I’d offer them crayons, but would they get surly?
Or what if they quit and I’m stuck with this taffy?
I’d take it to work, but they’d think I’d gone daffy
To offer to parents who have the same problem
These nuggets that stick in your teeth when you gobble’m.
By eight I am calmed to a mind-numbing tingle.
My nerves don’t respond when the bell starts to jingle.
I move like a zombie obeying their wishes.
I fill up their baskets; they’re taking the dishes.
I’m under their power; there’s no way to beat ‘em.
So what shall I do, let them trick me or treat ‘em?
For one year I’d like not to make the decision.
Just leave me alone; let me watch television.
–Paul Fairchild
